“It is a joy to be hidden and disaster not to be found.”
—D. W. Winnicott, pediatrician and psychoanalyst
As a therapist working with individuals who have experienced trauma, I rely on a phase oriented approach to treatment. One crucial aspect of the initial phase is developing acceptance--both of our internal experiences and the external circumstances surrounding us. To better understand how acceptance grows in therapy, it's helpful to first explore its opposite first: avoidance.
Avoidance
For some of us, it is too frightening or painful to go inside to witness our emotions, thoughts and bodily feelings. We may not like the way we behave or react, but when it comes to pausing and looking more deeply at what drives us, it's easier to avoid what is happening. This can be through a myriad of ways, as our culture has become so good at supplying us with distractions: social media, substances, movies, food, sex--take your pick!
Avoidance can also manifest in our interactions with others--through behaviours like shutting down, spacing out, being quick to anger, isolating from others or playing the clown in a crowd. All of these can keep us from being in the present, can give us the feeling that we're always faking it, or lead us to feel misunderstood and alone, to name a few.
Self Protection
Many of these defenses or coping mechanisms came about because they were once necessary for self-protection. When we were young, many of us didn't get help with understanding and coping in intense, painful, or scary situations. We did our best with the limited tools we had at the time. Now as an adult our inner experiences can remind of the past and we--our nervous system, parts we are not conscious of--jump to conclusions that something bad is going to happen. AGAIN.
Here's an example: We feel sad, which taps into an inner overwhelming experience of despair, aloneness, shame. So the sadness is avoided to prevent what is expected. This process may alleviate the sadness for the moment, but it also sends the message to old wounds that they are not worth healing, need to stay in the hidden areas, are too dangerous. So next time our sadness is triggered, the cycle repeats itself again.
Acceptance and compassion
Of course, avoiding may seem like a perfectly acceptable way to live life. What good is talking about the past? With somatic therapy, it's less about talking and more about being with, accepting and eventually healing. To truly heal, we need to cultivate curiosity about our behaviors and their origins:
--we must understand behavoiurs to change them
--curiosity leads to insight, which leads to compassion and acceptance
--if we don't understand them, we remain a captive to their power over us
Judgement
It’s also important to acknowledge the judgments we often impose on ourselves during this internal process. Feelings of self-blame can intensify, especially if previous attempts at healing have felt futile. This sense of futility invites shame into the picture. However, these feelings do not define us as good or bad; they are a natural part of the human experience. This is where the role of the therapist becomes essential—providing acceptance for who we are, flaws and all. For many, this may be the first time they experience such unconditional acceptance.
Practice, Practice, Practice!
Confronting what we've long avoided not only leads to emotional relief but also empowers us as we navigate roadblocks to healing. Below is a practice designed to bring awareness to avoidance patterns, helping us shift toward healthier responses. This is just a starting point for moving away from a lifetime of avoidance and toward a more fulfilling life. If you'd like to do more together, feel free to book a free introductory chat.
Make a start at noticing avoidance
Try to notice a time when you consciously avoid some type of inner experience. Just notice what you are avoiding and when this tends to happen. You don't have to stop avoiding, just notice the process. For example, perhaps you want to avoid a feeling of anger, a thought that things are hopeless, or the sound of a part of you crying or criticizing you.
Name one inner experience (emotion, thought, sensation, memory, fantasy, etc.) that makes you feel a bit of fear or shame. Then put this fear or shame on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being very little and 10 being very much. Stay with an experience that is closer to 1 or 2, so you don't get overwhelmed.
Focus on these observations:
1. What did you avoid or want to avoid?
2. What were your beliefs/concerns about what might happen if you allowed yourself to accept that inner experience?
3. What did you do to avoid the experience?
4. What help or resources do you imagine you might need in order to be less avoidant of this inner experience?
Example
I felt left out in a group but avoided how that made me feel. I don't like feeling rejected and like I don't count. I noticed I blamed people in the group to make me feel better.
I was feeling really stressed and someone at work asked if I was ok. I quickly said 'yes' and kept busy. I didn't want to be seen as weak or needy. I noticed I was afraid of being judged.
I went to the gym and did a really hard workout so I didn't have to pay attention to how bad things are at home.
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