The IFS basics.
IFS has a particular language and perspective when it comes to working with the beliefs, behaviours and aspects of our personalities. These are called 'parts' and the following gives an introduction to parts for those who are new to this approach.
Parts and their roles.
The Self. This aspect of ourselves can never be harmed, damaged, or impaired. It is boundless love and compassion and never gives up on us. I was first drawn to IFS when I heard this description of the Self. This sounded very similar to how my studies of Buddhism described our basic goodness, our true nature. The goal of IFS therapy is to assist the client with connecting with Self and eventually being guided by this loving presence in daily life.
Exiles. Thinking of trauma as the pain we carry, Exiles are described as the parts of ourselves who are dragging this pain around with them since the wounding occurred. Because they carry the pain, they are usually forced into hiding so that the person can carry on functioning in daily life. These parts are often young and stuck in the time when the hurt began. If they had a motto to live by, it may be "Don't forget me!"
The next category is called Protectors. These parts try to keep the pain inside from being triggered or leaking out. They can be seen as either proactive or reactive:
Proactive. These protectors are Managers, doing their best to manage by keeping the pain of the exiles well hidden so we can carry on with our lives as if nothing bad has happened. I often imagine these as characters in English dramas asking 'Tea anyone?' after some disastrous event has just happened. Control is vital--of the environment, of other people, of other parts in the system. Their motto would be 'Never again!!'
Reactive. These protectors are Firefighters. Inevitably, the pain we carry does get activated as we cannot live in a bubble forever, no matter how hard we (our managers) try. When this happens, these protectors jump in to extinguish the flames of emotion without any concern about the consequences. As a firefighter doesn't stop to consider the destruction of a house if it means rescuing a child inside, so too these protectors will stop at nothing until the intense pain of the exile is doused. Their motto may be 'Whatever it takes!'
Goals in IFS Therapy
The main focus, whether you work with an IFS therapist or work on yourself, is to develop an inner relationship with how your inner world is organised. Most parts are living based on how they learned to cope in their childhood, and depending on early experiences, these coping skills are most often based on fears and are usually long outdated. They need to be brought from the past to the present and benefit greatly from our attention and acknowledgement. It is important that this involves the Self, so that we can offer compassion and understanding to the parts.
IFS Principles
Rather than see a part as bad, we are guided by these principles:
-- all parts have Self energy deep within
--they all have a good intention beneath the behaviours
--parts are forced into roles due to trauma and early wounding
--they are willing to change once they are heard and understood
Much of this change comes about through helping the parts release the burdens they are carrying and building trust in the Self. We take the time to be with ourselves in a spacious way, bringing our own innate healing wisdom to the pain we hold. At times this may feel like time travel, visiting scenes from our youth. We can give the young parts of ourselves what they didn't receive when they were young, healing attachment wounds. This can often be as simple as an imaginary hug, yet is so, so, powerful.
If you would like to explore your own parts with me, please get in touch or book a free chat.
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